“pillow talk” sharknado edition
hi, again. it’s 1 a.m. & we’re gonna “pillow talk” for this post…. sorta.
ok, i just looked up “pillow talk” and apparently it’s this:
“Pillow talk is one of the most intimate things you can do in a relationship. ... Pillow talk is when you can lay in bed beside the love of your life and fully cherish their presence while relishing in the thoughts, wisdom, feelings, intellect, and emotions”.
(sounds super intimate, romantical and wonderful right? peak 80’s rom-com moment for sure).
don’t wanna be a downer but chances are you’re reading this and probably aren’t the love of my life (…unless…i mean you could be…just kidding…unless..) and you’re not in a relationship with me either as far as i’m aware BUT luckily we can do this as friends.
i guess i just want to somewhat transparently talk about healing & how it’s different than I thought it would be. i never really feel the need to outwardly express myself unless i feel like it’s something that could do better outside my mind than in.
for the first time in a while, i don’t know.
i literally just don’t know what the hell i’m doing or how i feel.
then again, at the same time i have some sort of a plan and I know what i feel sure about.
i think of myself to be someone who’s pretty internally in-tune and can make light of whatever happens in my mind and heart and gut and all that. however, i feel like i’m in a tornado. actually let me re-phrase:
internally, i feel like i’m in a sharknado 3000
it’s more like a sharknado in front of a rainbow sherbet explosion of love in the sky (sunset) though.
(i never thought i’d actually reference one of those movies but it’s 2020 and here we are. also, please just google image a sharknado after this)
the sunset is there because life is a beautiful thing beyond the struggles & sunsets are peak happiness for me at the moment.
ok sidetracked.. kinda..but here we go for real
healing is so wild
and so INCONSISTENT and messy and indirect and uncomfortable and wonderful… all at the same time.
i always kinda thought that 2 months was the sweet spot for me. no matter what. my heart could be ripped from my chest but then *2 months pass* and it’d be like it never even happened.
i don’t want to say that i was wrong but…
i was wrong.
i used to live by the mantras “out of sight, out of mind” and “time heals all wounds”… but then, sharknado 3000. needless to say, sharknados change you.
i think time does heal wounds, but i think it takes more than time. it takes you sitting with yourself and your pain, learning it, and ultimately making peace with it.
sometimes i’ll try to give myself time limits. like “you get this many days, weeks, months to be sad, or angry or whatever and then you’re fine” because who likes to feel shitty with no identifiable light at the end of the tunnel? no one.
but no one likes to heal on a timeline that’s forced.
even though i can genuinely feel good for weeks at a time; i can feel like i’m over something and tell myself that i don’t care in the slightest. i can vent to my close friends. i can look from a new perspective… and i’ve done all of these things 30 million times…
if what i’m telling myself or how i’m acting doesn’t resonate with what my heart is telling me… it’s back to the sharknado 3000 before i can even take my next breath.
but the thing is… it’s okay. what a concept right?
there’s no blueprint for healing. there’s no rights or wrongs.
i mean… maybe say no to drugs.
anyway, i’m learning that it’s ok to have h20 leaking from your eyeballs sometimes, and to feel like you’re backsliding in the process when it gets messy, and then being completely fine the next day, week, or month.
most of all, giving yourself the grace to feel what you need to feel in order to move forward.
if you made it this far, thank you for reading & i hope you’re inspired to go watch every sharknado movie in the series… i know i am.
goodnight/good morning ☼
-des