conversations with myself | the magic that is, showing up

hey, happy monday 👨🏾‍🦱

i’ve been MIA, not writing, not posting a ton of photography and keeping to myself. a lot of changes have happened in my life over the past month or so and digesting said changes has been a slow process to be honest. putting forth effort to adapt but also trying to prioritize navigating my inner world has felt a bit paralyzing in a lot of ways; almost claustrophobic.

similar to the way you’d feel at a college house party during spring term that’s 50+ people overcapacity, has reached a refreshing indoor temperature of 87 degrees, with your body pressed up against multiple sweaty *party friends (and strangers), while Mo Bamba radiates from a JBL portable speaker placed on the corner of a black and white granite countertop in the kitchen.

it’s not that it wasn’t fun [for 20 minutes, 35 minutes max], i’d just preferred to keep my visits short and sweet. i’ve always liked the idea of a clear exit strategy.

with that, my only non-negotiable with myself during these changes is that i keep showing up [because the discomfort will inevitably pass]. that’s my current exit strategy, even if it comes with a delayed “out”.

look at that, referencing the title in the actual piece. my highschool writing teachers would be so proud.

*party friends: those friends that you only ever really saw at parties or received party invitations from. aside from that, nothing. you hope they’re doing well but the chances of ever seeing them again are slim to none. and that’s okay.

i’ve been thinking about friendship lately. what it means to be a good friend, to have good friends, what needs need to be mutually met in order for a friendship to be fulfilling on both ends and the characteristics that friendship would have to embody in order to check all the boxes.

on saturday, something was reaffirmed for me and it felt pretty surreal. let me set the scene for you.

one of my friends had booked a gig at a local dive bar with a general start time of 7pm; her band wouldn’t go on until 8. we had talked about it earlier in the week and i agreed to go.

you know that feeling when it’s time to attend the plans you made when you were in a state of pure ambition and suddenly your mind and body leaden at the thought of following through to the point of thumbing through a mental catalog of outs? yeah. me too.

there i am. it’s 7:40 pm. i glance at our coffee table and notice my phone screen light up with a text notification from my friend who’s picking me up on the way. as assumed, the text reads: “On my way!!”. laid out on the couch, my legs draped over my friend’s lap, (whom i’ve deemed “sleeping beauty” due to the fact that he’s seemed to take a liking to periodically falling asleep whenever we hang out at my house) i scramble to finish edits on a photo gallery due that night, in hopes that i’ll have enough time to change my outfit before my ride arrives.

i didn’t *actually* have enough time.

five more minutes pass and my phone lights up again. this time, with an anxiety inducing text that reads: “I’m here”. Shit. I watch as the upload bar in the photo gallery inches slowly toward the end of its allocated space. as soon as it’s finished, I close my laptop and launch myself up the stairs to my bedroom. from the floor, i pick up a pair of bell bottom jeans that I had worn the week prior and slide them on. I have to erratically kick my legs one at a time in order to pull them up to where i want them to fit on my waist. i grab a floral print mesh top from my closet and make my way downstairs before I even have it all the way on. i throw my eyeliner and mascara into my purse and tell myself i’ll fix my makeup in the car.

i’m skipping the antics of the car ride because i understand that the average attention span of most these days sits fairly close to the attention span of a goldfish and we haven’t even reached the climax of the story yet. stay with me babe.

we finally reach the door of the venue and quickly realize that there’s a cover. my friend, with a wide eyed shifty look on her face whispers to me “i don’t have any cash” and i whisper back, “i have two dollars”. the cover is five. i had left my designated “cover money” in the pants I had worn to work earlier that day. luckily, a tall bearded man pulled out a $20 bill and offered to pay for us if we venmoed him. a dive bar angel in the flesh. we get our cover sorted and quickly make our way to the back of the bar near the stage, and there she is. our friend in a band, in all her glory. blonde hair curled to perfection, a black skirt, a shaul that loosely resembles a macrame pattern, doc martens, and tattoos on each shin. we stood directly in her eye line, waiting for her to notice us in the crowd.

and then it happened; the important part.

finishing her verse, she opens her eyes and looks directly up at us. her face lights up with a smile and then a look of pure appreciation. it was a “thank you” and an “i love you” all in one facial expression.

it was an imperfect moment. we were late, we missed her first song of the set. but we showed up and in that moment, we knew that was the only thing that really mattered.

while i realize that some commitments are time sensitive when it comes to showing up places for certain things, there are also a multitude of times where showing up is the only important section of the agreement.

i used to think that showing up was such a small gesture. turns out it’s not. it’s intentional and it speaks volumes. it’s more than just showing up. it’s saying “I care about you, I want to be here for you, I want to be part of this moment that’s important to you, I love you”. it’s selfless and timeless. it does something to the bond(s) you have with another person or multiple people. it’s important.

i think we all need people who take the time to show up for us.

showing up for people, showing up for yourself so you’re able to show up for others and vice versa, is important. and i don’t want to discredit the fact that sometimes we genuinely aren’t in a space where we can do that or others aren’t in a space where they can do that for us. that’s valid too. i think when we are able to, and when others are able to it shouldn’t come with feelings of mundanity. it should be celebrated. it’s a big deal.

BEING GOOD FRIENDS, AND HAVING GOOD FRIENDS AND FRIENDSHIPS IS A BIG DEAL.

efforts matter.

even when they’re imperfect. even when they seem small. even when they aren’t outwardly extravagant. they matter.

you matter, the people you surround yourself with matter. the friends you keep close, the ones you let in, the way we take the time to think about one another matters.

and, *scene*

THAT’S A WRAP!

if you made it this far, thank you for coming, reading, staying a while. thank you for showing up. all love 4 eva.

xx, -Des 🧚🏽